I haven't posted on this blog in over a year.
That's a long time.
Yes, I've been working on my book. And working 5 jobs in the last 9 months. Trying to hold it all together... watching my husband's job disappear from underneath us... casting us all into the whirlwind of uncertainty... watching my teenager grow overnight into a young man, spreading his wings and preparing to leave the nest... Valid reasons why I haven't written here... but on the other hand... how on earth could I have NOT kept this space, this place where I can be brutally honest, pouring out my heart, my frustration, my deep desires...
So here I am.
I feel so out of control. And maybe that's the point... the illusion that any of us, at any time, really have any semblance of control over our lives. What is the key to being at peace with that?
I just opened up my Bible study - and there was today's verse, jumping out at me...
"For where your heart will be, there your treasure will be also."
Ouch, Lord. You mean that my treasure right now is not You? But is in the illusion of control, of wanting security? Touche'
Father, please remind me that even in the midst of the storm, You are there. Speak to my heart and give me that peace that no one can understand... that can only come from You. Surround me with Your sweet spirit, nudging me into a place of raw openness to whatever you have that comes our way. And the strength to open my arms to You.
I may not understand why this is all happening... I may be angry... I may be scared... I may be humiliated... bitter... frustrated... resentful... yes, I am being very brutally honest here. But feeling these things does not make me any less of a Christian. It does not mean I have lost my faith... it just means I'm human. Oh, so human. I hurt. I cry. I scream. If I had sackcloth and ashes, they would be my wardrobe of choice.
But I don't want those emotions to be my "treasure". I still want You to be at the center of my heart, the lens through which I see everything going on around me. You are my rock. You have to be. Without You, there is no way I could have even the tiniest glimmer of hope through all of this chaos. It is still hard, of course... but You are still there.
That's a long time.
Yes, I've been working on my book. And working 5 jobs in the last 9 months. Trying to hold it all together... watching my husband's job disappear from underneath us... casting us all into the whirlwind of uncertainty... watching my teenager grow overnight into a young man, spreading his wings and preparing to leave the nest... Valid reasons why I haven't written here... but on the other hand... how on earth could I have NOT kept this space, this place where I can be brutally honest, pouring out my heart, my frustration, my deep desires...
So here I am.
I feel so out of control. And maybe that's the point... the illusion that any of us, at any time, really have any semblance of control over our lives. What is the key to being at peace with that?
I just opened up my Bible study - and there was today's verse, jumping out at me...
"For where your heart will be, there your treasure will be also."
Ouch, Lord. You mean that my treasure right now is not You? But is in the illusion of control, of wanting security? Touche'
Father, please remind me that even in the midst of the storm, You are there. Speak to my heart and give me that peace that no one can understand... that can only come from You. Surround me with Your sweet spirit, nudging me into a place of raw openness to whatever you have that comes our way. And the strength to open my arms to You.
I may not understand why this is all happening... I may be angry... I may be scared... I may be humiliated... bitter... frustrated... resentful... yes, I am being very brutally honest here. But feeling these things does not make me any less of a Christian. It does not mean I have lost my faith... it just means I'm human. Oh, so human. I hurt. I cry. I scream. If I had sackcloth and ashes, they would be my wardrobe of choice.
But I don't want those emotions to be my "treasure". I still want You to be at the center of my heart, the lens through which I see everything going on around me. You are my rock. You have to be. Without You, there is no way I could have even the tiniest glimmer of hope through all of this chaos. It is still hard, of course... but You are still there.
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