What really matters...

One of my primary jobs as Family Ministries Administrator is to conduct and keep track of the background checks that we do on any individual who works with children at church.  Nursery workers, Vacation Bible School volunteers, youth workers, Sunday school teachers... everyone.  And, as a notorious "Mama Bear" - there is nothing more precious to me than keeping our kids safe, and to keep the church safe.  A few weeks ago I called a couple and explained that I was conducting these background checks and needed some information from them... and I was met with a verbal attack unlike any other I had ever experienced.  Accusing me of wanting their information for nefarious reasons, telling me that I was dealing with a corrupt company if they HAD to have this info to do the background check, etc.  This tirade went on and on, and left me shaking, in tears, and emotionally bruised.  I was indignant - how DARE they not support our mission to create a safe environment for our kids, no matter what the cost?  How DARE they accuse me of being anything but honorable?  How DARE they?

I wallowed in waves of self righteous indignation, buffeted by prayers for them, for what kind of lives must they have if they lived their lives this indignant and suspicious all the time.

Yesterday I saw this couple at church for the first time since the incident.  I saw the wife first, and after chatting with her, she agreed to come into the office and give me the info I required, confidentially.  As we left the office, I said "thank you for making this possible" to which she responded "I still think it is ridiculous" and walked off.  Bruised... again.  I walked back to where my husband was standing on the patio, and he said "Well?"  I replied, "I'm tired - I need to just let it go."  He just smiled, and we walked into church together.

All through the church service I felt the battle within.  The desire to wallow in self righteous anger yet again, threatening to overwhelm and consume me... the grief of not getting the apology I felt I rightfully deserved for the verbal attack, and, if I'm going to be completely honest, the affirmation that my job of protecting the children is worthwhile and done well.

As I sat there, listening to the music, I cried out to the Lord "Heal me... take these feelings from me... Heal me Lord"  Immediately, I heard a response in my heart - Jesus saying "How many times do you think people accused me of being something other than who I am?  They accused me of being from Satan, my enemy!  They didn't hear anything I said, they couldn't see anything beyond their own fears and expectations.  And yet I loved them anyway. "

I broke down in tears as waves of the spirit came over me.  I literally was being washed clean, as I cried "IT doesn't matter... all my petty feelings and expectations... if my Lord could withstand the judgements and misconceptions and accusations, then so can I.  For who am I? I may never get an apology, but neither did my Lord, and that is ok"  I walked out of the service with my heart refreshed - still tender, but the bruises healed.

As I walked back onto the patio, my boss came up to me and said "I want you to meet this person" and turned around, and introduced me to the husband, the one who had verbally attacked me.  The first words out of his mouth were "I'm so sorry..."  God's grace and mercy - I walked out of that church service with my self righteous indignation finally at rest, at peace with not getting an apology, and yet He gave it to me anyway. He is so good.

The wound is closed.

The illusion of control

I haven't posted on this blog in over a year.

That's a long time.

Yes, I've been working on my book.  And working 5 jobs in the last 9 months.  Trying to hold it all together... watching my husband's job disappear from underneath us... casting us all into the whirlwind of uncertainty... watching my teenager grow overnight into a young man, spreading his wings and preparing to leave the nest...    Valid reasons why I haven't written here... but on the other hand... how on earth could I have NOT kept this space, this place where I can be brutally honest, pouring out my heart, my frustration, my deep desires...

So here I am.

I feel so out of control.  And maybe that's the point... the illusion that any of us, at any time, really have any semblance of control over our lives.  What is the key to being at peace with that?

I just opened up my Bible study - and there was today's verse, jumping out at me...

"For where your heart will be, there your treasure will be also."

Ouch, Lord.  You mean that my treasure right now is not You?  But is in the illusion of control, of wanting security?  Touche'

Father, please remind me that even in the midst of the storm, You are there.  Speak to my heart and give me that peace that no one can understand... that can only come from You.  Surround me with Your sweet spirit, nudging me into a place of raw openness to whatever you have that comes our way.  And the strength to open my arms to You.

I may not understand why this is all happening... I may be angry... I may be scared... I may be humiliated... bitter... frustrated... resentful... yes, I am being very brutally honest here.  But feeling these things does not make me any less of a Christian.  It does not mean I have lost my faith... it just means I'm human.  Oh, so human.  I hurt.  I cry.  I scream.  If I had sackcloth and ashes, they would be my wardrobe of choice.

But I don't want those emotions to be my "treasure".  I still want You to be at the center of my heart, the lens through which I see everything going on around me.  You are my rock.  You have to be.  Without You, there is no way I could have even the tiniest glimmer of hope through all of this chaos.  It is still hard, of course... but You are still there.

Depression lurks...

I hate depression.  I hate the unpredictability.  It is so sneaky.  Creeps up in the most bizarre of circumstances, out of nowhere.  In my head and heart right now I know that it is all a part of the transition we are in the middle of... moving to a new state, leaving the military, starting a new state, transitioning into the civilian world.  It's a lot to process.  And while well-meaning people tell me to take it easy, not set my expectations too high right now, and to allow myself to process it all slowly... tell that to the physical aches that come over me in waves.  I feel the fatigue in my muscles.  Washing over me... feelings of insecurity... doubt... fear...  and while I try to combat it with scripture, even sometimes just going to my knees and whispering "Truth... Lord Jesus, shine truth..." and it works... I feel like it's almost a weakness that I have to keep doing it.  Over. And Over.  And over.  Face down.

Painting Pictures of Egypt

October 14, 2012

Here we are.  Two months away from leaving the Air Force for good.  Starting a new business.  Moving to a new state, one with a much higher cost of living.  One with a LOT of traffic.  New schools for the kids.  Having to find a new church.  A new hairdresser.  A new dentist.  A new... everything.  As a military family, we have done this dozens of times before.  But this... this is a different move.  This changes everything.

And while we are convinced and assured that this is where God has been leading us for some time... I need to stop there.  We are convinced.  And assured.  That THIS is where God has been (and is still) leading us.

He is calling us out of the military - where things are familiar, and secure. Where we have financial security, both present and future.  Where housing is provided, where health care is provided, where we have an instant community of people to welcome us in and make transitions easier.  Where we automatically have things in common with everyone around.  It's easy.  It's familiar.  Why on earth would we want to leave?

Because this is not where God wants us to be anymore.  Our decision to join the military 13 years ago was just as God-led as our decision to get out is.  Our time in the military has grown us and stretched us as individuals and as a family... but we are ready to have Duane home... to have "Dad is away" be the exception, not the norm.  To be settled in one place while our kids are in their teen years.  To be closer to aging parents.  And to start this business where we can be peacemakers, providing social services to low-income families.  To be bright lights in the darkness, to live as Christ's example.  

 So I need to be on guard.  Right now.  To be sure that I'm not glorifying in my mind the good that the military life provides, without remembering that God is calling us beyond that and will provide for us just as surely as He has in the military.  Without remembering the struggles of the military life.

There is a song by Sara Groves called "Painting Pictures of Egypt"  (It is linked below for you to listen and see the lyrics) The Israelites, called out of bondage and slavery in Egypt, complained and wanted to go back after time in the desert proved to be challenging and not what they had envisioned.  How are we different?  It would be so easy to sit back into the endless pity party - "Oh if only we hadn't left the military - remember the health care?  the free housing?  the community?"  we paint in our minds this glorious paradise... without remembering not only the struggles and reasons for leaving, but most importantly  the fact that GOD called us out of there and provided a way out!

And the thing is, I feel like as we are looking ahead at the next couple of months and the transitions ahead, I feel like I'm already "Painting Pictures of Egypt".  And I need to stop that.  Yes, I can mourn what we are leaving.  I will definitely miss many aspects of being in the military.  And that's ok.  It's all a part of the process.  But I need to keep my eyes fixed on Christ, leaning on Him for guidance, knowing that He is not going to leave us.  He will provide.  He will not lead us into this new life and abandon us.  He has more planned for us than we can even imagine.  Looking back and holding on to what we "had" will only prevent us from seeing what He has in store for us.

Fathers and Daughters

Tonight we were watching a movie together as a family.  And as I looked over at the loveseat I saw my husband sitting with our daughter.  As she leaned against him, I saw him with his arm around her.  Affectionate.  Protective.  He raised his hand and brushed her hair back from her cheek and said "You're my princess." And she snuggled closer to him.  The bond of a father and daughter... tightly wound... he is her protector, her champion.  She is his princess, for whom he will fight to protect and provide.

Every daughter needs that assurance.  That example of what a true man is to be, how she is to be treated.  Not pampered but treasured.  Cherished.  Respected.

As a little girl, my fondest memories are of sitting on my father's lap as he read to me from my Children's Bible.  He was the one who heard our prayers at night.  And he was the one I called when I was in trouble.  And yet, he didn't stand up for me in the face of abuse and unfairness.  I treasure words - and those that aren't spoken speak just as loudly as those that are spoken aloud.


Fathers, treasure your daughters, be their prince.  Husbands, adore your wives and never give them any reason to doubt your committment to them.  Be their fierce protector.  Be the champion.

Week 9 Questions: When Doubt Whispers "I Can't Stop Worrying"

I started reading this week's chapter, simply proud that I was reading it a few days before our study was to meet instead of the night before, skim-reading it just so I got the major points.  I wasn't really reading it expecting to hear God's voice.  I woke up this morning disgruntled, exhausted, and sat down to read this chapter.  Not because I thought I needed it, but because it was on my list to "get done".  oh how God knew I needed this time and spoke to me... Convicted my heart and turned my spirit 180 degrees back to Him.  In the midst of my own created chaos, He met me.

So friends, lets journey together on this week's questions.

1.  How often do you feel exhausted, anxious, scattered, or depleted?

2.  When you get overwhelmed, do concerns ever consume you?  If so, what does that look like in your head and heart?

3.  Do you ever catch yourself wondering if God notices everything you are doing?  Do you ever doubt you can do all He has called you to do?  Are there some things in your life He may not expect or want you to be doing?

4.  If Jesus came to your house this past week to spend time with you, would you have been able to walk away from unfinished laundry, dishes, or emails if He wanted to talk with you?  Imagine hearing HIm say "You are worried and upset about many things"  What were some of your many things?

5.  What will you do for the next thirty days to make sure you have a date (Determine A Time Every day) to be with Jesus?  Is there someone you can ask to help or to hold you accountable to spending time with God, so you can listen more closely for HIs plans, rest in His promises, and experience His peace?

6.  Which of God's promises in this chapter will you cling to so that you don't lose your footing and slip into a pit of discouragement?

7.  How can you transition from going to God with a list to going to Him with a listening heart?>  What are some practical things that can help you relax and listen to God in the midst of your busy life (walking, journaling, listening to music, taking a bubble bath, etc.)?

Week 1 Questions

1.  What is your earliest memory of doubting yourself or feeling insecure?

2.  Has insecurity ever kept you from doing something?

3.  Describe how it makes you feel when doubt whispers:
       "I can't do this"
       "Things will never change"
      "My life isn't going to get better."
       "It's too hard"
       "I might as well quit"

4.  Describe what happens in your heart when you read God's words:
        "Those who hope in me will not be disappointed"  (Isaiah 49:23)
        "See, I am doing a new thing!"  (Isaiah 43:19
        "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose"  (Romans 8:28)
          "All things are possible to (her) who believes"  (Mark 9:23 NASB)

5.  What do you think hinders you most from living with God-confidence on a consistent basis?  Is there a promise listed above that speaks to your heart right now?

6.  How would you describe a woman with a confident heart?

7.  Read Jeremiah 17:7.  What does this verse promise and encourage you to do?  Think of one situation where you could live in the power of this promise and describe what that would look like this week.